It’s been nearly a year since I started sex coaching and I’m thrilled to find that it continues to be a really popular service.
I still get loads of questions about sex coaching (How exactly does it work? Am I good fit? What do I need to prepare in advance?). Coaching can be difficult for people to wrap their heads around if they’ve never done it before.
It’s impossible to cover all these questions in a single blog post but I thought I’d start by sharing more about the types of clients I see and the insights I’ve gathered to help you understand whether coaching is the right fit for you.
What kinds of clients come for coaching?
The First Timers: I see men in their late 20’s/early 30’s who are looking to have sex for the first time in a safe and supportive environment. My approach in these appointments is not to provide feedback, but to gently lead someone through sex. This means that I initiate each step, take your hands and guide you to all the right areas and I’ll help bring both of us to orgasm while answering any questions along the way.
My recommendation: A 3-hour session (1 social hour + 2 private hours)
The Dry Spellers: These are men who’ve had long periods of abstinence in a relationship or who have been out of the dating game a while. Sometimes having sex after a long break is as nerve-wracking as having sex for the first time. I find these clients are looking for a safe, non-judgmental space where they don’t need to worry about being clunky as they try to tune into their muscle memory. Most of all, they’re looking for reassurance that they’ve still “got it”. Thankfully, I find the answer is always yes.
My recommendation: A one-off session (1 social hour + 1-2 private hours)
The Shy Initiators: I have many clients who are reserved and uncomfortable taking charge in sexual situations. I think the best way to get comfortable is through practice. This type of coaching session involves a lot of scenario role-playing; I’ll pretend to be a date or a crush and you can practice making a move in different ways until you find an approach that feels comfortable. Having been on many dates myself, I draw on a lot of personal experience as to how men have initiated in the past (the chin tilt-kiss move always seems to work!)
My recommendation: 1-3 sessions (any length) until you find the moves that work for you.
The Quick Finishers: I’m noticing a lot of young men who experience intense anxiety related to their performance in the bedroom. When this anxiety is unchecked, it can sometimes lead to issues like premature ejaculation. The key to this type of coaching session is to reduce anxiety as much as possible. Strategies I use in these sessions include mindfulness (learning how to tune into different parts of the body to distract yourself when getting close to orgasm), breathing control, the stop-start method and foreplay techniques to lengthen sex and increase your partner’s pleasure.
My recommendation: 2-3 sessions (any length).
The Physically Limited: I’ve seen a handful of clients who are dealing with chronic illness or have other physical limitations that can make sex more difficult. A coaching session in this case is all about finding the positions that are comfortable and techniques that aren’t going to leave you feeling totally gassed. It is very much a session of continuous feedback and experimentation.
My recommendation: A one-off session (1 social hour + 1-2 private hours)
How has my view of coaching changed over time?
I originally conceived of coaching as a multi-appointment, almost course-like offering. I had in mind that there would be at least 5 sessions, each a week or two apart, and, much like a traditional therapy setting, slow and steady progress would be made over time.
I’ve been really surprised (and pleased!) to find just how effective a single coaching session can be. In fact, the majority of my coaching clients only need one or two sessions to get where they want to be.
I also recognize now how much benefit there is in simply being able to talk openly about sexual insecurities, especially here in the UK where sex is still a fairly taboo topic. As an American (and someone who has always been very open sexually), it’s taken some time to wrap my head around how difficult these conversations can be, even if you’re in a relationship with someone you trust.
I remember when I first moved to London in 2019, I struck up a casual relationship with a guy in a neighboring office. He was attractive and successful (an Eton graduate), but his confidence unfortunately didn’t translate to the bedroom. Often when we hooked up, he would get nervous and struggle to get hard. I could see the anxiety spiral happen in real time; the panic would hit, things wouldn’t work down below and he would get flustered and embarrassed before finally making an excuse to bring the action to an end.
Despite this being such a prevalent pattern in our four-month “relationship,” we never once spoke about it. I was nervous to bring it up because I didn’t want to embarrass him and he never had the courage to address the elephant in the room. To no one’s surprise, things quickly fizzled out.
I wonder often how things would have been different if only one of us had been brave enough to have the conversation – and ideally, it would have come from him. Had he said “listen, I should let you know that I get a little in my head sometimes and that makes it difficult to get hard,” I would have been more than happy to play around with different approaches until we found a way to make him comfortable.
By avoiding the problem, we never had the opportunity to move past it and I really regret how much he had to suffer in silence.
That’s ultimately my goal with sex coaching – to help men work through the shame and anxiety they’re experiencing so that they can go on to have fulfilling sex life.
In other news…there are some exciting things in the pipeline.
- I’m going to start offering reviews of performance to any client who requests one (thank you Tom in LA for the fantastic suggestion!)
- I’m considering making some how-to videos on OnlyFans to support what I teach in coaching sessions. I just need to figure out how I can do this while still protecting my identity. If there’s anything you’d like to see in video format, please email me your suggestions (zoevipmontreal@gmail.com)
- In February I’m being trained in tantric massage by the lovely Emma who I keep hearing rave reviews about. I think massage will be great for helping my more anxious clients relax in our sessions.
- Keep an eye out for future blog posts where I’ll share more about my coaching experience, including some helpful tips and resources to improve your skills in the bedroom!
A Storm Is Brewing: Inside the Emerging Escort Recession