Last summer, a good friend of mine got in touch to say he urgently needed my advice.
He’d had a serious argument with his girlfriend Alice and she hadn’t spoken to him in three days. He was upset, slightly panicked and at a loss for how to repair their relationship.
The next day I met Rob for a lunchtime walk in Liverpool Street, which is when he told me the full story.
Rob and Alice at the time were still fairly new in their relationship. They’d met a year before on LinkedIn (adorable) and had been serious for about six months. From the moment I met Alice I could tell she and Rob were a fantastic fit; something in my gut just told me they were destined for the long-term.
That’s why I was so surprised to hear Rob tell me that their relationship might in fact be over.
Rob recounted to me the beautiful weekend they’d just spent in the Cotswold’s to celebrate Alice’s birthday. It was about as wholesome as it gets: day-long walks in the English countryside, homecooked meals in the Airbnb and a cozy movie night with presents and cake. It was clear he’d put a lot of effort into making it a special weekend and they were both riding high.
As he explains it, things went wrong on the Sunday.
As Friday and Saturday ticked by, Rob was starting to wonder exactly when they would have sex. They were having an amazing time together but he couldn’t help but notice the lack of physical intimacy. He reassured himself – Alice’s birthday isn’t until Sunday. Surely sex will happen then.
By Sunday late morning, Alice still hadn’t showed any interest in being intimate. A little frustrated and impatient (and fully aware that checkout was at 12pm), Rob finally decided to make a move. His advance was rebuffed; Alice just wasn’t in the mood. This left Rob feeling deeply hurt and rejected.
As men are apt to do, he pushed those uncomfortable feelings aside and pretended that everything was fine. As the day went on, however, he could feel the frustration and resentment simmering beneath the surface. After several moody, passive aggressive comments, it became obvious that something was wrong.
When Alice confronted Rob, he finally burst out, I thought we were going to have sex! This is when things started to go rapidly downhill.
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I inwardly cringed when he told me this part. As someone who’s been on the receiving end of a rejected man, I can tell you throwing a hissy fit doesn’t help. It makes a man look like a giant, whiny, petulant baby. If there was any chance of him having sex that day, it effectively dropped to zero after a display like this.
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Alice was understandably hurt by Rob’s outburst and she accused him of only caring about sex and ruining a beautiful weekend. Rob felt the need to defend himself and insisted that his needs were important and valid. They quickly reached an impasse and Alice told him that she needed time to think and not to contact her. Two days later, Rob reached out to me.
When he finished telling me all this, I was certain that he’d come to the right place.
Had he brought this problem to a different woman, they likely would have given the following advice:
- Apologize to Alice for being a giant dickhead
- Say you’ll never do it again
- Never behave that way again
- Send flowers or an apology gift for good measure.
I also would have given this advice a few years ago before I knew better.
Thankfully, my experience as an escort has helped me better understand male sexuality, particularly that it’s deeper and more complex than most people think.
When we as a society consider the stereotypical male, we tend to conjure up an image of a hyper-masculine guy who constantly wants and pursues sex. He sees beautiful women as objects to be conquered and once he’s in bed with one, he’s expected to stun her with his stamina and performance, which only leaves her wanting more. Most importantly, he doesn’t get attached. Sex is a much more physical act for men than it is for women – at least that’s what we’re told.
I know now that that’s bullshit.
The reality is that many men experience strong emotions with sex. In fact, it can often be the primary way that men experience validation, closeness and connection with their partner, which is why rejection is often so devastating.
I learned this firsthand by being the Alice in my own relationship.
Last year I started dating someone while I was working as an escort, which is not something I typically do (or recommend). However, I happened to meet him unexpectedly and I was curious to see where it would lead. From the very first date I was honest about what I do for a living. He was more open-minded than most and assured me it wasn’t an issue – and so we continued seeing each other.
In a twist of irony, sex quickly became a serious issue in our relationship.
As you can imagine, when you have sex for a living, the novelty fades very quickly. And as a petite woman, I’m also not the most durable. Whenever I wasn’t working, I liked to give my body time to rest and recover. This meant that intimacy with my boyfriend happened only occasionally, which worked just fine for me but proved extremely difficult for him.
Thus began our conversations around sex and connection, which helped me start to understand male sexuality in a different way.
In one of our many talks there was something he said that really stuck a cord – “Sex is how I feel close to you. When we don’t have it, I feel disconnected.” This was a revelation to me.
Unfortunately, when we buy into the male stereotype I described above, it can be very easy for women to dismiss men as “just wanting to get their rocks off”. A sexual advance is seen an annoyance or imposition, not an invitation to connect on deeper level.
It suddenly struck me in that conversation with my boyfriend that he wanted to sleep together not just because he was in the mood, but because he wanted to feel close to his partner. Suddenly, my “no” became a lot more meaningful.
Unfortunately, I think many women often miss this crucial point because we generally experience connection and closeness differently.
My female friends and I agree that we mainly experience connection outside of the bedroom. Handholding, cuddling on the sofa, kissing or even just feeling heard and understood is enough to feel attuned to our partners. I know a movie night always fills my intimacy cup (at least now that I’m in my 30’s), as can a long walk in nature or cooking a meal with my partner.
This likely explains why my friend Rob reached that Sunday thinking there’s something missing here whereas Alice likely thought I’ve had the perfect weekend. One of them had their needs met and the other didn’t.
So how do you go about addressing this fundamental mismatch?
My first piece of advice to Rob was taken straight from Stephen Covey (who is revered in the coaching world): seek first to understand, then to be understood. When Rob next spoke to Alice, it was critical that he understand how he made her feel. That meant asking the right questions, listening carefully to what she said and also validating her feelings – “I know this made you feel really angry/hurt/like you can’t trust me. I’m truly sorry.”
Once someone feels heard and understood, they start to become more regulated. This is the optimal time to transition to the “be understood” part.
I suggested that Rob explain to Alice how he felt that Sunday, ideally using an impact statement. Impact statements follow the form “when X happens, I feel Y, and it impacts me by Z.” For example: When we go days without sex, I feel disconnected and a bit unimportant. It makes it harder for me to feel close to you.
It is a lot easier to respond to these sorts of statements than a whiney “but we hadn’t had sex in X days!!!”
Once Rob and Alice understood and acknowledged how the other felt, it was the perfect time to transition to a broader conversation about intimacy.
In a perfect world, this is a conversation all new couples would have. Yet it almost never happens. We’ll go so far as to ask our partner what they like in the bedroom, but we don’t often ask someone how they experience intimacy as a whole. A simple question – how do you feel close and connected in relationships? – brings so much important insight that is often missed.
It was already clear that Alice and Rob had different answers to this question. My suggestion to Rob was to find where they overlap (in my experience there is always some overlap). Specifically, what actions help them both feel close and connected? These could be used as a compromise in the future.
It turns out that Rob and Alice both feel close when they cuddle – so that became their compromise. Now whenever one initiates sex and the other isn’t in the mood, they spend half an hour in bed cuddling. This has helped them turn a situation that’s typically marred by rejection into a bonding moment. And all it took was a single conversation.
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A few weeks ago, Rob reached out to me again asking for advice – this time on engagement rings. Thankfully this was a much easier problem to solve…
The Birth of Zoë