Today marks nearly a year as a sex coach. I’m thrilled to see it remains a hugely popular service!
Coaching can be difficult for people to wrap their heads around if they’ve never done it before. I still get loads of questions about how it works, the structure of these sessions, whether clients need to prepare in advance – the list goes on and on.
It’s impossible to answer everything in a single blog post. I’ll start with the most important question of all: is sex coaching right for me?
What kinds of clients come for coaching?
There are a few common issues I help clients address:
The First Timers: losing your virginity in a safe and supportive environment.
If it’s your first time, I suggest the focus be on exposure instead of improvement. My goal is to gently guide you through the key stages of sex: kissing, oral and penetration. I initiate the action and move your hands to all the right places. If all goes well, I’ll be able to bring us both to orgasm.
Recommendation: 3 hour session (1 social and 2 private hours)
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The Dry Spellers: having sex again after a long period of abstinence
Getting back on the horse can sometimes be as nerve-wracking as having sex for the first time. My goal is to provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to re-explore sex. You won’t need to worry about being clunky or out of practice. I’ll also give you feedback, pointers and reassurance where I feel it’s needed.
Recommendation: A one-off session (1 social and 1-2 private hours)
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The Shy Initiators: struggling to take charge in sexual situations
I have many clients who lack the confidence to initiate and steer sexual encounters. The best way to improve here is with practice. I’ll teach you some common ways to initiate and we’ll practice them until you find what works for you.
Recommendation: 1-3 sessions (any length)
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The Quick Finishers: learning better orgasm control
I’m noticing a lot of young men who experience intense anxiety related to their performance in the bedroom. When this anxiety is unchecked, it can sometimes lead to issues like premature ejaculation. Learning to control your anxiety is key here. In sessions I draw on strategies such as mindfulness, breathing control, the stop-start method, longer foreplay to delay orgasm. You’ll often see an immediate, noticeable improvement with coaching.
Recommendation: 2-3 sessions (any length)
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The Physically Challenged: working with chronic illness or physical limitations
Health issues can make sex infinitely more different. My goal is to help you find the positions and techniques that maximize your comfort and stamina. It is very much a process of experimentation and feedback.
Recommendation: A one-off session (1 social and 1-2 private hours)
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The Self Improvers: becoming a true sexual dynamo
Most men I see are broadly experienced and comfortable with sex. And yet there is a subset that is never quite satisfied with “good enough”. If you want to seriously impress in the bedroom, I can pass on all the special tricks I’ve learned over nearly 20 years of sex (including 5 years in the business).
Recommendation: 2-3 sessions (any length)
What are the main learnings so far?
I originally conceived of coaching as a multi-appointment, almost course-like offering. I had in mind that there would be at least 5 sessions, each a week or two apart, and, much like a traditional therapy setting, slow and steady progress would be made over time.
I’ve found that scheduling a single session at a time makes far more sense.
I continue to be amazed at how much process can be made in one coaching appointment. Often a second isn’t even needed!
I’ve also come to appreciate how important communication is.
Many clients get some relief simply by being able to talk about their issue without fear of judgment.
Most importantly, there is no need to suffer in silence.
I’ve been reflecting lately on someone I dated back in 2019.
I was working in central London when I struck up a casual (but passionate) relationship with someone in a neighboring office. He was attractive and successful – an Eton graduate – but his confidence unfortunately didn’t translate to the bedroom.
Often when we hooked up, he would get nervous and struggle to get hard. I could see the anxiety spiral happen in real time; the panic would hit, things wouldn’t work down below and he would get flustered and embarrassed before finally making an excuse to bring the action to an end.
I could tell it wasn’t an issue of attraction. He had doggedly pursued me and said that he felt I was out of his league. It was obvious he felt he didn’t measure up.
So over our four month relationship he continued to struggle with ED. Not once did we address the elephant in the room and to no one’s surprise, things fizzled out.
Things would have turned out differently if only we had been brave enough to have the conversation.
Ideally, it would have come from him. I wish he had said “listen, I should let you know that I get a little in my head sometimes and that makes it difficult to get hard.” That would have opened up the conversation and we could have experimented with different strategies to see what worked. I didn’t want to raise the issue for fear of embarrassing him.
By avoiding the problem, we never had the opportunity to move past it. I really regret how much he had to suffer in silence.
That’s ultimately my goal with sex coaching – to help you work through any anxiety or insecurities that keep you from having the sex life you and your partner deserve.
In other news…there are some exciting things in the pipeline.
- I’m going to start offering reviews of performance to any client who requests one (thank you Tom in LA for the fantastic suggestion!)
- I’m considering making some how-to videos on OnlyFans to support what I teach in coaching sessions. I just need to figure out how I can do this while still protecting my identity. If there’s anything you’d like to see in video format, please email me your suggestions (zoevipmontreal@gmail.com)
- In February I’m being trained in tantric massage by the lovely Emma who I keep hearing rave reviews about. I think massage will be great for helping my more anxious clients relax in our sessions.
- Keep an eye out for future blog posts where I’ll share more about my coaching experience, including some helpful tips and resources to improve your skills in the bedroom!
The Birth of Zoë