The most common question posed by clients is “do your friends and family know what you do?”
The answer is yes, most of them do know by now. Many are just fine with it but there are some who haven’t come around to the idea…at least not yet.
When you do a job that comes with a lot of social stigma, it’s inevitable that you will have to tolerate some people’s concern, disbelief and moral preaching. I have accepted this as my lot in life and I try to be as patient and compassionate as I can.
I remind myself that there was one point in my life – at the wee age of 21 – where all I knew almost nothing about the industry apart from what I’d seen on tv (and let me tell you, it wasn’t exactly flattering). It’s amazing how more knowledge and experience can really open your eyes.
That’s why I’m honest not just with friends and (some) family, but with almost everyone I meet.
I disclose my job on first dates, at parties, and to strangers at hotels bars – really anyone who my gut tells me can handle the news. And wouldn’t you know it, most people think it’s actually pretty cool.
My goal with these conversations is to prompt reflection and inform. Most people are very surprised to hear what I do for work because I “don’t look like the type”. I’ve grown to enjoy watching the mental gears turn as someone struggles to make sense of the news.
I can understand this process perfectly having once been on the other end of it myself. When I was 22, one of my long-term boyfriends confessed to me that he used to see escorts. My first thought was “but [Tom] is so attractive and kind and successful…why would he need to see an escort!?” Yes, I was once ignorant too.
If I hadn’t had that conversation with my boyfriend, I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the business now. I’m grateful that he took the risk so that I could become more informed and less close-minded.
Now that I’m on the other side of the equation, I feel a responsibility to pass that on. I’ve had hundreds of these conversations since I started working and find it absolutely helps change hearts and minds.
There is also – unexpectedly – another benefit that comes from being brutally honest with the world: you start to find escorts everywhere.
I learned this first-hand back in the fall when I joined a close friend in Madrid for her bachelorette party. We were a group of 20 and having lived with the bride when I first moved to London, I spotted many familiar faces in the crowd as well as some new ones.
With any new group, I know it’s only a matter of time before the topic of work comes up. Sure enough, a girl sat next to me at lunch posed the question. Cue my usual spiel: “oh…to be honest, I have a pretty unusual job. I actually work as a high-end escort. I know it’s a little taboo but I really enjoy it.” She paused for a minute, clearly shocked, and then whispered “omg, I used to do it too!”
And that’s when I learned all about brothel life here in the UK and that her husband was not someone she met on Hinge, but rather a client. Although we’d just met and she was surrounded by childhood friends, I was the only one who knew the truth.
It’s amazing how much of ourselves we need to hide away from the world sometimes.
Since then though, the Madrid experience has repeated itself a few times.
Last week I got back from an ayahuasca retreat in Mexico where I shared a room with a woman named Sara. It took less than an hour for us to realize that we both had experience as escorts. I’m still active whereas she’s been out of it a few years. But still, we saw each other as kindred spirits.
The ability to have open and honest conversations has revealed to me the emotional complexities surrounding sex work.
Virtually every escort I’ve met (myself included) has said they’ve found sex work healing. Most of us enter the industry following bad experiences with men that leave us feeling used, damaged and out of control. Escorting, I’ve found, is a great way to regain that sense of control.
It is a sad truth that when I tell non-SW women about my job, the most common response I get is “god, I do all that already…except I don’t get paid.” That very much tracks with my own experience as a woman.
There was, for example, a guy I met at a pub in London back in 2019. For the first date he brought me out for a bottle of wine and tapas on the Thames. The second date he cooked me a lovely meal at his home, candles and all. The third date was Deliveroo and a movie at his. By the fourth date he had dispensed with even pretending to make an effort. I got a text at 1am asking me to come to his house so that I could give him a blowjob. He even had the gall to offer to pay half the uber (half!!!).
Now you’re probably thinking God Zoe, why didn’t you get rid of him!? Thankfully, I did.
I texted him back saying it would be £400/hour for my time plus extra for outcall and the uber. I blocked him before I found out whether he understood or not.
That was, sadly, not a totally unusual experience for me at the time.
My clients stand in stark contrast to the dates of my past. Almost everyone I’ve met doing this work has been respectful of me as a person, my time and my boundaries. I’m not the only escort to claim that sex work restored my faith in men. It truly has.
Yet despite hearing from so many women how positive, liberating and empowering they found sex work, almost all of them seem to be struggling with it after leaving the industry.
Sara, who I met on my retreat, was there partly to heal from the trauma of sharing her womb with so many people (her words, not mine). Even Ruby, from the bachelorette party, who had gotten so much from the industry – including a husband! – felt shame about her past despite admitting that she also really misses the work. The others I spoke to all worried about what future partners would think.
It seems, unfortunately, that positive experiences in the industry don’t insulate you from society’s negative messaging. Some of them still manage to get through and force us to hide away.
I love imagining a future in which being an escort is as notable as being a teacher or an electrician. Where I could list “escort” on my resume and be noticed first and foremost for my excellent stakeholder management and communication skills. I doubt this will happen in my lifetime, but a girl can certainly dream.
For now, I’ll just chip away at the stigma one conversation at a time…
Escorts, Escorts Everywhere
The most common question posed by clients is “do your friends and family know what you do?”
The answer is yes, most of them do know by now. Many are just fine with it but there are some who haven’t come around to the idea…at least not yet.
When you do a job that comes with a lot of social stigma, it’s inevitable that you will have to tolerate some people’s concern, disbelief and moral preaching. I have accepted this as my lot in life and I try to be as patient and compassionate as I can.
I remind myself that there was one point in my life – at the wee age of 21 – where all I knew almost nothing about the industry apart from what I’d seen on tv (and let me tell you, it wasn’t exactly flattering). It’s amazing how more knowledge and experience can really open your eyes.
That’s why I’m honest not just with friends and (some) family, but with almost everyone I meet.
I disclose my job on first dates, at parties, and to strangers at hotels bars – really anyone who my gut tells me can handle the news. And wouldn’t you know it, most people think it’s actually pretty cool.
My goal with these conversations is to prompt reflection and inform. Most people are very surprised to hear what I do for work because I “don’t look like the type”. I’ve grown to enjoy watching the mental gears turn as someone struggles to make sense of the news.
I can understand this process perfectly having once been on the other end of it myself. When I was 22, one of my long-term boyfriends confessed to me that he used to see escorts. My first thought was “but [Tom] is so attractive and kind and successful…why would he need to see an escort!?” Yes, I was once ignorant too.
If I hadn’t had that conversation with my boyfriend, I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the business now. I’m grateful that he took the risk so that I could become more informed and less close-minded.
Now that I’m on the other side of the equation, I feel a responsibility to pass that on. I’ve had hundreds of these conversations since I started working and find it absolutely helps change hearts and minds.
There is also – unexpectedly – another benefit that comes from being brutally honest with the world: you start to find escorts everywhere.
I learned this first-hand back in the fall when I joined a close friend in Madrid for her bachelorette party. We were a group of 20 and having lived with the bride when I first moved to London, I spotted many familiar faces in the crowd as well as some new ones.
With any new group, I know it’s only a matter of time before the topic of work comes up. Sure enough, a girl sat next to me at lunch posed the question. Cue my usual spiel: “oh…to be honest, I have a pretty unusual job. I actually work as a high-end escort. I know it’s a little taboo but I really enjoy it.” She paused for a minute, clearly shocked, and then whispered “omg, I used to do it too!”
And that’s when I learned all about brothel life here in the UK and that her husband was not someone she met on Hinge, but rather a client. Although we’d just met and she was surrounded by childhood friends, I was the only one who knew the truth.
It’s amazing how much of ourselves we need to hide away from the world sometimes.
Since then though, the Madrid experience has repeated itself a few times.
Last week I got back from an ayahuasca retreat in Mexico where I shared a room with a woman named Sara. It took less than an hour for us to realize that we both had experience as escorts. I’m still active whereas she’s been out of it a few years. But still, we saw each other as kindred spirits.
The ability to have open and honest conversations has revealed to me the emotional complexities surrounding sex work.
Virtually every escort I’ve met (myself included) has said they’ve found sex work healing. Most of us enter the industry following bad experiences with men that leave us feeling used, damaged and out of control. Escorting, I’ve found, is a great way to regain that sense of control.
It is a sad truth that when I tell non-SW women about my job, the most common response I get is “god, I do all that already…except I don’t get paid.” That very much tracks with my own experience as a woman.
There was, for example, a guy I met at a pub in London back in 2019. For the first date he brought me out for a bottle of wine and tapas on the Thames. The second date he cooked me a lovely meal at his home, candles and all. The third date was Deliveroo and a movie at his. By the fourth date he had dispensed with even pretending to make an effort. I got a text at 1am asking me to come to his house so that I could give him a blowjob. He even had the gall to offer to pay half the uber (half!!!).
Now you’re probably thinking God Zoe, why didn’t you get rid of him!? Thankfully, I did.
I texted him back saying it would be £400/hour for my time plus extra for outcall and the uber. I blocked him before I found out whether he understood or not.
That was, sadly, not a totally unusual experience for me at the time.
My clients stand in stark contrast to the dates of my past. Almost everyone I’ve met doing this work has been respectful of me as a person, my time and my boundaries. I’m not the only escort to claim that sex work restored my faith in men. It truly has.
Yet despite hearing from so many women how positive, liberating and empowering they found sex work, almost all of them seem to be struggling with it after leaving the industry.
Sara, who I met on my retreat, was there partly to heal from the trauma of sharing her womb with so many people (her words, not mine). Even Ruby, from the bachelorette party, who had gotten so much from the industry – including a husband! – felt shame about her past despite admitting that she also really misses the work. The others I spoke to all worried about what future partners would think.
It seems, unfortunately, that positive experiences in the industry don’t insulate you from society’s negative messaging. Some of them still manage to get through and force us to hide away.
I love imagining a future in which being an escort is as notable as being a teacher or an electrician. Where I could list “escort” on my resume and be noticed first and foremost for my excellent stakeholder management and communication skills. I doubt this will happen in my lifetime, but a girl can certainly dream.
For now, I’ll just chip away at the stigma one conversation at a time…
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